Things I wish I didn't think about...

I wish I didn’t think about my son's body being alone in the cemetery.  

I wish I didn’t think about his casket being pushed into the mausoleum drawer and the front of the drawer sealed in complete cold and darkness on the worst day of my life, the day we said goodbye to him on earth.

I wish I didn't think of his damaged bloodied body with a bullet hole through his throat, slumped over the back seat of that truck. 

I wish I didn't think about how long it took for him to bleed to death. 

I wish I didn't think of what has happened to his body in that mausoleum drawer over the last four years. 

I wish I didn't think of what his last thoughts were before he died.

I wish I didn't think about how much he suffered or if he knew he was dying. 

I wish I didn't think about what condition he would be in if the bullet had hit him in a slightly different place in his head or neck--head injury? Quadriplegic? 

I wish I didn't think about the evil and hatred and anger that must have been growing in his murderers heart to commit such an act.  

I wish I didn't think about his murderer living large, getting a college degree and joyously celebrating birthdays and holidays with his family. 

I wish I didn't think about the people that say "he's a good kid."

I wish I didn't think about the judge's lame excuse for his leniency or his disregard for the life of my son and the two other boys who were injured. 

I wish I didn't think about his step father giving him a thumbs up in the courtroom when he was given his lenient sentence for manslaughter. 

I wish I didn't think about said step father buying him the damn gun in the first place.  

I wish I didn't think about why God allows such evil to exist, evil that extinguishes a precious life created in His image, a life that he breathed life into. 

But I have faith. 

I have faith that I will see Jesus and my son on the other side of this life. 

I have faith that Austin is with Jesus and that he welcomed him with open arms. 

I have faith that he is gloriously complete in heaven. 

I have faith that this world is not all we have. 

Thank God.