I couldn't have said it better

When all of this first happened, I didn't know where to turn. We were placed under a gag order and were unsure what we could say to whom, so we said very little publicly. My own personal support group formed from those bereaved parents that were adept enough to put their thoughts into words though books, blogs, and facebook pages...and it validated my own feelings that I was unable to put into words for myself.  Here are some of my favorite quotes, mostly about grief, mostly in chronological order as it is an ongoing compilation. I tried to give credit, but some are unknown.
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People have asked me did I ever get mad at God. You know, I never did. Sadness, yes; but I couldn't be mad at the very God that held my son in his arms at that moment. ~Greg Laurie

We have to hold onto God, and not our pain. ~~ from Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey

...Having faced once again the greatest loss of my life, emerging with the knowledge that my wife and daughter and I have the survived through the love we are lucky to have all around us.~~Bart Sumner 

Then there are moments it is all I can do. Tears stream down my face, sometimes alone, sometimes with sobbing. Rides are the hardest because I’m alone and I can let my guard down. There is no one to upset so I can feel.

I’ve never experienced so many forms of tears until I lost a son. There were days my eyes would barely open from crying so intensely and my whole body ached from the jerking and throbbing that it did to unleash the pain. Complete broken sobs.   There were days I couldn’t speak on the phone because the sound of someone else, would bring me to tears.   And then there are moments when I’m so pent-up, so mad, so hurt, so lost – and I want to cry but can’t. It is like you no longer have control of your emotions. You are being held hostage and someone else has taken over, the director of the tears. They come when they come and there is nothing you can do about it.~~Heather Blair

I know that He (God) has used this last year to draw me closer to Him than I've ever been.  When you are pouring your heart out to God daily -- sometimes hourly -- begging for His help when feeling miserable, it changes your perspective.  I am much more grateful for the little things.  I realize just how dependent on Him I am.  I realize that He loves me more than I know.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He's always working behind the scenes on our behalf, even when we can't see it.  ~~Dawn McVey. 

Forgiveness is not a forgotten memory. It's a memory without revenge. ~~unknown 

We don't "sweat the small stuff."  We know what matters because we know what is irreplaceable. ~~Richard Elder

People prefer to devise up any story imaginable in order to put the most distance between themselves and you, in order to convince themselves:  This could never happen to me ~Angela Miller

I am unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will...~ unknown

In Spirit/Heaven…we see the purpose of our lives…of our family’s lives… and the bigger plan for all…Love, pain, grief, joy, hope, the new, the old…it all teaches us while we are here on earth… ~unknown

The deaths of your children and loved ones who are so greatly missed push you into new ways of looking at life…and death...And what you are promised…or never promised…when you love so deeply~Sara Ruble

Thank you God for the reminder and promise that YOUR purpose is bigger and better than mine, and that someday it will all be reveled to us. Take care of my baby girl. You know the love that I have for her and you know the depth of my pain, use me as a light and give me purpose amidst this tragedy.--Kelli Kooken

I was there when she was created and I was there when she breathed her first breath…not being there for her last breath will forever weigh on my soul.~~Kelli Kooken

Now, a year later, I remember this all as though it happened to someone else.  It still doesn’t feel real.  But I know it is.  Everyday I live with the reminder of what happened. ~unknown

“Forgiveness is not a matter of exonerating people who have hurt you. They may not deserve exoneration. Forgiveness means cleansing your soul of the bitterness of ‘what might have been,’ ‘what should have been,’ and ‘what didn’t have to happen.’ Someone has defined forgiveness as ‘giving up all hope of having had a better past.’ What’s past is past and there is little to be gained by dwelling on it. There are perhaps no sadder people then the men and women who have a grievance against the world because of something that happened years ago and have let that memory sour their view of life ever since.~~Harold S. Kushner, Overcoming Life's Disappointments

How has your loss changed you? How hasn’t it? It can all be summed up by this Lewis Carroll quote from Alice in Wonderland: “I can’t go back to yesterday, I was a different person then.”~unknown

"It was very difficult to try to help each other and honor how someone else copes when you are barely coping yourself."

"We do not believe God purposefully struck our child with these cruel circumstances. We do know He allowed it. He could’ve saved him, but He didn’t. It’s understandable this could make a daddy angry. I wasn’t really angry, but simply bewildered. I just could not for the life of me make sense of what transpired. What mother could? I had to gift myself and others with lots of grace . I had to ask God to get me out of my bed on more days than I can count."

"We continue to go on with each of us having a piece aching for Austin in the background. And we always will. You don’t get over child loss; you learn to get through it."

"At the time, dear steadfast friends rallied around me. They listened patiently to my heartfelt renderings, questionings, and added their own memories of Austin to fortify my broken spirit. They endured, encouraged, and suffered my brokenness with a fierce determination to resist my attempts to push them away while I was drowning in sorrow."

"Whenever I hear of someone losing their child, it brings my day of loss right back.  My heart goes out to anyone who suffers a loss. I know it – it has happened to me."

"Since Austin was killed I have experienced sadness that exceeded anything I could have imagined. I used to think I knew the difference between grief and depression but now I am not so sure. I am exhausted from the heartache and the pain and the grief."

"I do not always think straight. As a matter of fact- some days, I do not want to think at all. I find refuge in my work but I cannot always concentrate as well as I should. That scares me."

"This is my reality- knowing he is not going to be here when I wake up, that I can't call him, hug him or kiss him."

"I love my surviving children dearly and tell them every chance I get. I cannot tell him. Not face to face."

"The gratitude for my surviving children doesn’t erase the longing for what I wish I also still had"

"It sucks that my son would now be 18, but he can only ever be remembered as 15. It sucks that I wonder if I will ever have to bury another child before me."

"When you take the life of someone maliciously, you forfeit your right to live free.  Forgiveness doesn't exonerate you of the crime; you must still face the consequences of your action."

"We know how uncomfortable our pain is to others."

"No amount of Faith could have prepared me for this. No amount of Faith can take away the pain." 

"We have no visiting hours, no break for our weary hearts that wish for one more of anything." 

"I don't think I will see true justice this side of heaven because his future was stolen and can't be given back.  No sentence will feel fair, simply because it was not fair. But you don't get to kill someone and just walk away."

"We have found out, suddenly, without warning, just how precious and short life is. It leaves us reeling on our feet; drowning in our sorrow. We will never see that locked door the same as before. We will never feel that safety we took for granted. We no longer fear our own loss of life, but feel completely the fear of loss of another. When our living loved ones leave our side, whether to go to the store, a night out or some other errand, our hearts sink until we catch sight of them again. We put ourselves through unimaginable hell as we wait for their return and struggle to conquer this fear. It debilitates us. By the time they return or we know they made it safely to where ever they are going, we are a complete mess. For however long they are out of our sight, even as far as the next room, we feel this unreasonable fear."

"After 2 1/2 years, I still think that I’ve done my time, suffered endlessly, cried oceans of tears, so when do I get my son back? But, like you say, he stays dead. I still can’t get used to it."

"Once a mother stands by her child's grave…the threat of goodbye looms around every corner. The interesting thing for me is how closely that fear lurks beneath the surface…even after 2 and a half years."

"God has loved us through the unimaginable and has allowed us to survive because He has a plan for us."

"I don't want to talk very much and I am feeling lonely even in a room full of people."

"I know I am praying daily not to hate the reason for his death, and I ask God to give me the grace to be forgiving because it is not my job to judge others."

"[Max’s] death has shone a light on the innate goodness in people, a quality that I am sure I didn’t appreciate until now."

"Forgiveness is not a matter of exonerating people who have hurt you. They may not deserve exoneration. Forgiveness means cleansing your soul of the bitterness of ‘what might have been,’ ‘what should have been,’ and ‘what didn’t have to happen.’ Someone has defined forgiveness as ‘giving up all hope of having had a better past.’ What’s past is past and there is little to be gained by dwelling on it. There are perhaps no sadder people than the men and women who have a grievance against the world because of something that happened years ago and have let that memory sour their view of life ever since.” ~Harold Kushner, Overcoming Life's Disappointments

"Murder survivors grieve not only the death but how the person died. Life was cut short through an act of rage and cruelty." ~~Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Newhopegrief.org

"Forgiveness doesn’t eradicate responsibility. It’s not unloving to hold someone accountable."~~LauraPetherbridge, crosswalk.com

“Forgiveness is a source of power. But it does not relieve us of consequences." 

"I can decide to ”forgive,” in the sense that I will leave the vengeance to the Lord, and may use the justice system to seek some earthly justice in the meantime, to defend righteousness."

"Yes, yes, yes to an entire life that I was attached to playing out… and one singular ‘no’ erased every single ‘yes’ from that moment forward."

"...a constant flow of reminders of what once was but no longer is."

"Eventually grief became a tool God used to redecorate and remodel my life, a wrecking crew that led to reconstruction. Grief knocked out walls of assumptions, prejudice, and quick judgment and has rebuilt a much bigger room now . . . more grace filled, more welcoming to others, filled with a lighter heart." ~~Jan Skaggs

"There is no such thing as perfection, and we have a choice about how we integrate the imperfect into our lives."~~Elizabeth Edwards

I struggled to make sense of the senselessness. I’ve read books and blogs and thousands of words trying to do so. Of course, there is no sense to be made of such an occurrence. It merely is.

**This entire blog post spoke to my heart, from: https://thelifeididntchoose.com**

"I am not as fragile as I was just weeks or months after Dominic’s death.  I have learned to put on a smile and pass by his favorite food in the grocery store without crying.  I can remember funny things he said or did without simultaneously experiencing gut-wrenching pain that he is no longer here to do them. But I am still grieving.  I am still working out how this missing is weaving itself into the fabric of who I am. And it is WORK. Much of the work I have to do on my own–I have to think about and feel and embrace the changes that have been thrust upon me.  But for some of the work, I need the help of others.  I need to be able to speak aloud my thoughts and feelings and receive feedback so that I’m not stuck in unfruitful inner dialogue. It requires energy and resources. While I am doing this grief work, my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energy is largely consumed by it.  I am unavailable more often.  I have a smaller capacity to absorb sudden change and unexpected events. I’m uncomfortable in crowds.  I tire more easily. And it takes TIME.  I have discovered that no matter how much I want to speed up this process, it will not be hurried along.  And it proceeds in a “two-steps-forward-one-step-back” fashion so even when I feel I am making progress, I discover I’m not as far along as I think I am or would like to be. So how to love well at this stage in my grief journey?  When I’m transitioning from “good-bye” to grief?  When I’m trying to understand this new life I never expected to live?"

"Now I am a reminder of the most unwelcome message in human history. Children — yours, mine — they don’t necessarily live."~~Jayson Greene

"Nothing fills the void of his absence. He's not replaceable. We can't go out and get another just like him._ ~Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

"A month, a year, five years--with that I could live. But not this forever." ~Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

"Grace cannot change the moral order. What is bad will always be bad. But grace will bring good out of a bad situation; it will take an evil and somehow turn it into something that results in good." ~Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

"My faith did not begin with the accident. Still, since then I have grown spiritually in new ways. The tragedy pushed me toward God, even when I did not want him. And in God I found grace, even when I was not looking for it." ~Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

"There's a hole in the world now. In the place where he was, there's now just nothing....A perspective on this world which once moved about within this world has been rubbed out. Only a void is left. There's nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loved what he loved. A person, an irreplaceable person, is gone. Never again will anyone apprehend the world quite the way he did. Never again will anyone inhabit the world the way he did. Questions I have can never now get answers. The world is emptier. My son is gone. Only a hole remains, a void, a gap, never to be filled." ~Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

"I am not the same as I was before burying a child.  My family is not the same.  Nothing is the same."

"The criminal justice system opens up more wounds than it heals." 

"The fundamental belief that prevents chaos in our world is that we teach our children that life has value." 

"My child died. My heart, my beliefs, my comfort, my joy, my safety, my future, my dreams, and so much more have been mercilessly stripped away and I’m expected to keep on living. I will never be the same again."

"My own experience and that of many other faithful followers of Jesus makes plain that loving Christ does not protect you from the evil in this world.  It doesn’t guarantee that you won’t get cancer, that you won’t lose your job, or that you won’t suffer persecution from the enemies of God. And it doesn’t spare you from burying your child...God knows when a sparrow falls, but He doesn’t always stop it from happening."  ~https://thelifeididntchoose.com

"But I have this sense that the story God has begun to write he will finish. That story will be good. The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book." ~Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

Justice denied and the value of life, again

Did you see this headline?

Hey Judge Persky, How Do We Explain A 6 Month Rape Sentence To Our Daughters?

What a shameful, disgusting display of injustice. By a judge more worried about the rapist than the victim.

(http://www.scarymommy.com/brock-allen-turner-judge-persky-6-month-rape-sentence/)

Did you see this spot-on letter from John Pavlovitz?

Dear Mr. Turner,

I’ve read your letter to the judge on behalf of your son Brock, asking for leniency in his rape conviction. I need you to understand something, and I say this as a father who dearly loves my son as much as you must love yours:Brock is not the victim here. His victim is the victim. She is the wounded one. He is the damager.  If his life has been “deeply altered” it is because he has horribly altered another human being; because he made a reprehensible choice to take advantage of someone for his own pleasure. This young woman will be dealing with this for far longer than the embarrassingly short six months your son is being penalized. She will endure the unthinkable trauma of his “20 minutes of action” for the duration of her lifetime, and the fact that you seem unaware of this fact is exactly why we have a problem.This is why young men continue to rape women.This is why so many men believe that they can do whatever they please to a woman’s body without accountability.This is the reason so many victims of sexual assault never step forward.This is why white privilege is real and insidious and usually those with it are oblivious to it.I understand you trying to humanize your son in your letter; talking to the judge about his favorite snacks and swim practice and about the memories that are sweet for you as his father—but to be honest I don’t give a damn and if his victim was your daughter I’m quite sure you wouldn’t either.I imagine this young woman had favorite snacks and sports too, and parents who had wonderful plans for her that didn’t include this nightmare.There is no scenario where your son should be the sympathetic figure here. He is the assailant. He is the rapist. I can’t imagine as a father how gut wrenching such a reality is for you, but it is still true. Brock has to register as a sex offender because he sexually assaulted an incapacitated young woman. This is why we have such requirements; because one vile act against another human being is one too many, because we don’t get a do-over when we do unspeakable things, because people need to be protected with knowledge of others in their midst who have failed so egregiously at respecting another person’s basic dignity.The idea that your son has never violated another woman next to a dumpster before isn’t a credit to his character. We don’t get kudos for only raping one person in our lifetime. I don’t believe your son is a monster but he acted like one and that needs to be accounted for. To be sure, this decision is not the sum total of Brock’s life, but it is an important part of the equation and it matters deeply. And to be clear, Mr. Turner,”alcohol and sexual promiscuity” are not the story here. The story here, is that young men have choices to make and these choices define them, even if those choices are made when temptation is great and opportunity is abundant. In fact, our humanity is most expressed when faced with such things, we choose integrity and decency; when we abstain from doing what is easy but wrong.We as parents don’t control our children. Most parents understand this. Despite our best efforts to the contrary, they fail and fall and do things we’d never consent to. I certainly hope this is such an occasion, though it is not coming across that way in your letter. It feels like you want more sympathy and goodwill toward your son than you want for the survivor of his crime, and that’s simply not good enough for her or for those young men and women watching.Here is her story. You love your son and you should. But love him enough to teach him to own the terrible decisions he’s made, to pay the debt to society as prescribed, and then to find a redemptive path to walk, doing the great work in the world that you say he will. For now though, as one father to another: help us teach our children to do better—by letting them see us do better. 

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/06/06/to-brock-turners-father-from-another-father/


Why, When, How did the justice system become one that is worried about the detrimental effects of incarceration on the criminals more than the victims of violent crimes themselves? Thank God there are journalists and ministers and citizens in this world who are willing to stand up and say and do the right thing instead of excusing and defending the criminally violent. 




How about "Hey Judge Rubin, How do we explain a 13 month Manslaughter sentence to our teenagers?"
 "...because one vile act against another human being is one too many, because we don’t get a do-over when we do unspeakable things, because people need to be protected with knowledge of others in their midst who have failed so egregiously at respecting another person’s basic dignity.""We don’t get kudos for only raping murdering one person in our lifetime. I don’t believe your son is a monster but he acted like one and that needs to be accounted for. To be sure, this decision is not the sum total of Brock’s Seth's life, but it is an important part of the equation and it matters deeply." 

SB 196

SB 196: a revision of 893.3, the Firearm Sentencing Enhancement statute. It removed the Judge's safety Valve that said if he found the sentence was to harsh he could impose whatever sentence he wished. The revision would have raised the absolute minimum to 3 years, for violent felonies that end in a firearm fatality.

A few weeks ago, SB 196 passed through the Senate without opposition, 37-0. Today, the bill failed to pass on the House floor, 33-50. Of course, the criminal defense attorneys in the House opposed it. So did the Black Caucus, which is interesting because in my mind a minimum sentence is color-blind and would be applied fairly to everyone. Concerns raised included taking away Judicial discretion (for goodness sake, we have minimums for purse snatching and cock fighting! 3-40 years is a lot of discretion), prison overcrowding (so we let the violent criminals go and keep the non-violent ones in?) 2nd amendment rights (wouldn't law abiding gun owners want a penalty for those choosing illicit gun use?) and that we shouldn't make laws based on one case. To us, this bill wasn't about our case, and thankfully the entire Senate and 33 representatives understood that. Nothing will change the outcome of our case--the judge is still on the bench, the murderer is walking the street and Austin is still dead. We supported this legislation because violent felonies that end in firearm fatalities rise to the level of a mandatory minimum sentence. All lives matter, all lives have value.
We may have lost this battle but the war isn't over.

One mama got her son back today

One mama got her son back today. It just wasn't me.


The man that killed our son was released from prison today. He served 10 1/2 months of a 13 month sentence. I have so many thoughts in my head today.  I don't know that I could ever fully put them into words, but I'll try.


Our justice system is so flawed. Louisiana's laws don't make sense to me. Manslaughter's sentence range is 0-40. Armed robbery, 10-99. Carjacking, 2-20 without a gun. Purse snatching, 2-20. That means there is no reason you can be sentenced to less than 10 years for robbing someone and brandishing a gun. Yet, you can shoot and kill them and get no prison time. I think mandatory minimums send a clear moral statement about which crimes society considers most serious. Does anyone value life anymore? 

Then we have the comments on social media. So many opinions, so few facts. Again, so many people that can come up with excuses why it is justified to take the life of a living, breathing, deeply loved and adored teenager, with so little consequence. It is deeply disturbing to witness the vile level of disrespect and disregard for human life in our community.

The man that murdered Austin is now 22 years old. He was 18 at the time. His defense included the "teen brain" theory, stating that male brains under 25 years of age are not fully developed and can lead to irrational, impulsive behavior. So if he behaves in a criminally violent manner (oops, sorry, I should have said impulsively) in the next 2 years, will the same excuse hold? And I suppose we shouldn't prosecute any criminal behavior of those under 25 years old for the same reason. Now there's a solution to prison overcrowding.  

Tuesday night Austin's chair at graduation will be empty. There is no tassel, no senior trip, no college applications, no choosing a college roommate. I could go on, of course, with the "no mores." It should be enough to say no more life-- HE'S DEAD from a hollow point bullet through his neck-- and every citizen should be outraged. His life was extinguished by someone who had no conscience and the Judge essentially excused his behavior. Shame on you, Judge.

But one mama got her son back today. 

1096 days

Today makes 3 years since I hugged Austin. 1096 days. He should be 18 years, 6 months and 25 days old today. While the hole in my heart is still there, most of my days are manageable now. Austin stories make me smile and laugh more than cry. His death is still incomprehensible to me, unlike the deaths of my parents and grandparents. I miss his sense of humor, I miss him hugging me and telling me I smell good, I miss his smile, I miss his name coming up on my phone. I didn't get to choose my circumstances but I do get to choose my response. I choose to have faith in a loving and merciful God, who has a plan that is far beyond my comprehension. I choose to have hope that I will see my Savior and my son someday, that this world is not all there is. And I choose to love, because loving those whom God puts in my path is a greater calling than any other. I have not been alone in my grief and I am not alone in my survival. Deepest heartfelt thanks to those of you who have walked side by side with me on this journey. Love to you for your prayers and support. I don't know what God has in store for me but I know he will reveal it to me in time. God will use this for his glory; I know Austin's work is not yet finished. He is catching bigger fish for sure!

Commentaries

I just can't get them out of my head, these commentaries. They're like scripts for a dialogue or monologue that I have with myself, Judge Rubin, the media, the man on the street...anyone who just doesn't "get it." Doesn't get the truth, doesn't know the facts.

These commentaries start as confrontations in my head and go something like this:

Them: Those boys deserved what they got, they were stealing from Seth!

Me: Really? Show me exactly what they stole and we could have replaced it. Can you show me a police report? What did they steal?

Them: No, nothing was stolen. But they were breaking into his truck!

Me: Really? How about that police report? Show me the vandalism done to his truck and we could have repaired it. Can you show me?

Them: No, there was no vandalism. But they were trying to break into his truck!

Me: Really? Did the DNA testing show their fingerprints on the truck?

Them: Well, no. But he said they were trespassing on his property!

Me: Really? Seth is the only one who said that, or claims to have seen them there. He had absolutely no evidence to back up any of his testimony. 

Tell me, where were the boys shot?

Them: In a stolen truck.

Me: Really? Did anyone report a stolen truck that night? The owner testified in court that the truck was not stolen. The owner's son gave the keys to the boys to run Austin home so he wouldn't have to walk. In fact, there were no police reports of any vandalism in the entire neighborhood that night.

Them: Well, they were under age and drinking!

Me: The driver was not drinking (he was tested at the hospital) and he had his learners permit. They had just planned on bringing Austin home, which was 1 mile away, in the neighborhood. They hadn't planned on going any farther. And by the way, Austin's blood alcohol level was 0.02. Underage, yes, but far from drunk (0.08)

Them: But the truck was fleeing the scene.

Me: How about passing his house? Just because they were driving away from his house doesn't mean they were fleeing. They had to pass his house to get to ours, 3 houses down the street. The vehicle was on the street, moving, with 3 people inside. He sped away once he felt the bullet wound and realized they were being shot at.

Them: Well, I would do the same thing if I thought someone was breaking into my truck.

Me: Then you should go to jail, too. If you own a gun you should know the law, take a handgun safety class! The law says you can only shoot at someone if your life is in danger. You can't just run out of your house and start shooting. It doesn't matter if they are driving down the road on your lawnmower, you can't shoot someone who isn't threatening you! Know the law! And lets go back to the police reports. What did they say?

Them: Well, No one filed a police report.

Me: Really? That's odd. Wouldn't you think that was the first thing you would do is call the police?

Them: He did, but he said the first one went to the wrong house. And later on the second one left without filing a report.

Me: Oh yes, I remember. On the witness stand, he accused not just one but 2 officers of lying about the police reports. Claimed the family never said they didn't want to file reports, the officers just made that up. It was the policemen's fault.

Them: Yes, and the police botched the investigation. They only fingerprinted one of the 3 cars in the driveway!

Me: Why would they fingerprint 2 vehicles that were not involved in the alleged incident?

Them: Well, he was only trying to scare them. He never meant to kill anyone.

Me: He fired a 9mm Beretta with hollow point bullets, to scare someone? Neither of which he could purchase for himself.

Them: He was shooting at the tailgate.

Me: Of a moving vehicle with a lethal weapon? Trucks don't drive themselves. Remember, 3 shots, 3 hits. One murdered. Know your target. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. (Heavy sigh. You can't fix stupid.)

"Other surprises along this grief journey have been to see how some people can be so callused and uncaring, while others are vile and seem to foam at the mouth as they share their own hate toward me and my family. They seem to go out of their way to try and hurt us; but we ignore them – for with each effort they grow ever smaller and weaker." ~~Mitchell's Journey

Who knows?

Tonight starts Friday night High School football of what should have been Austin's senior year, but he only survived half of his freshman year. While he wouldn't have been on the field, he sure would have been in the stands dressed in navy and maroon Cougar gear from head to toe or running up and down the stands waving his arms up and down getting the crowd fired up. He'd be taller, but probably still lanky. Not fully grown into his long arms and legs. Hair still as straight as ever, hopefully with a good haircut (finally.) Maybe we'd have gone, too, and visited with the other senior parents. Or maybe we would have given him money for fast food and watched him drive away to pick up a buddy, or a girl, or even a girlfriend to take to the game with him. Who knows? I went outside a few minutes ago and could hear the stadium announcer in the distance, and now here I sit in tears. I wasn't expecting this today, much like the other occasions when these could have been/should have been moments arise. 2 1/2 years later and these thoughts hit me as unexpectedly as ever. And they still stop me in my tracks.

His senior classmates took group pictures with his Lacrosse jersey and dedicated a page in the football program to him. Yep, that's Austin's little jersey in the middle of those boys-that-look-like-men. It was a beautiful tribute that the boys thought of on their own, and we are so grateful that they keep him part of the class of 2016, but it's just wrong; he should be there.